As per usual, I find myself back into the toxic cycle of feeling like crap and self loathing. The idea of going yet down into this “rabbit hole” feels so familiar that I so happen to feel like it is the only solution I have. Funny part about it is that I do not want to go down that route anymore because it has only managed to bring me more pain in the long run rather than help me heal. Also a quality of mine has been one of having difficulties in seeking for help with my problems and also not being able to openly share some of these problems with the people I find close to me, under the disguise that I would be causing too much of a hassle and worry around myself. also knowing how people react by later asking about your problems in passing to figure out if you are dealing with them happens to further remind me that I am not the only person going through painful events and that does make me feel like whomever was lending me their ears was just waiting for their chance to belch out their own problems to someone who would listen.
Thinking back to most of the conversations I have had over the years I can honestly say that there has been one person whom I feel I was able to openly share with and not have them impatiently waiting to say some generic motivational speech but to try look at it with a rather logical approach and if that didn’t work, would go straight ahead to telling me off. Which is something that is frowned upon by people who are expecting the world to kiss their boo boos and reassure then that, that is in fact the end off the world. OK saying just one person has been like that is a lie because now I recall at-least 5 other people but I don’t speak to them as often as I should if I was really trying to get over all that I am feeling with the help of the people close to me.
I have tried to look into the all guiding truth of life, Religion. I found that it has not been much help for me because I know that I lack the conviction of full fledged faith believers and I try to put some logic into things I try to learn and I find a lacking in the logic department when it comes to faith and that is just it. By it’s very definition, faith requires me to let go of any empirical knowledge and just take it as it is. clearly simply letting go has proven to not be one of my strong suits for if it was, then this whole post would not exist would it? Such an ability to me seems to be such a fundamental advantage that people have and at this point not one I would get to reach anytime soon.
I do not know much in this land of existence unknown. Simple questions like why am I here? Do I have a greater purpose on this land? Or do I want to have a greater purpose so that I too will be able to post images of networking platforms so that my peers and any other stranger that happens to brisk past my posts can indulge my need for social verification aka LIKES? Some of these questions, I have the answers too but like every broken person, I am yet to face the answers. One thing that I am absolutely sure off is that I want to write-off all of my past pain or better of deal with the to completion similarly like a bad debt. For no good business would be able to continue running if it solely lived on all bad debt collected.
within my brain 