8 months later, my first business has died and now I need to liquidate the assets I got to start the business.

I have been putting off doing this for far to long and it just hadn’t yet clicked as to why? It just dawned on me the reason why it has taken this long for me to do this.

My realisation is that this feels like a death of a loved one and having to liquidate forces me to come face to face with the fact this person I gave birth to has died and with that all the dreams and aspirations that I had appended to the future success of this business. I now need to be able to go through all the good and bad memories that I has able to create along with this business and it hurts!

HURTS SO BADLY!!

The great things about it is that to be able to hurt me this bad is that it had to have lived. I can take solace in the fact that I was able to bring birth to it and even though I would have loved to see it mature and be able to thrive without me, that unfortunately is not what reality has for me and this business.

So I cannot do more that appreciate the time I had with my business and all of the lessons it was able to help me go through. Even though it was not able to mature, it did bring growth to me as a person and I will forever be grateful for the opportunity that my first business gave me.

Peace and love to you.

R.I.P!

Four whole years!

I think about it now and it feels like a distant dream that, at any moment, would cuddle up beside me in an attempt to strangle my joy every single chance it gets.

Calling this period Limbo feels appropriate.

I had the clearest vision of how my life was set out to be. I had internalized and shaped into my identity who I was to be through the career I had chosen to follow after having recived the go ahead from my parrents for the choice. I, in turn, fantasized alongside them as to how I would be a working class citizen with my own house while they were knee deep into thier retirement, the occasional visits I would have once I had carved out some time in my schedule.

After having a challenging first year in University where nothing was what I had expected, it never dawned on me that I did not have a vast toolbox to deal with issues that effected my emotional state of being nevertheless I know the solution was putting my head in the sand and grinding through.

The second year, sure enough, I stayed true to myself and I put in the work and it payed off. Things had picked up from what they were from the previous year. I had passed everything I needed to pass for the year and I was happy for myself even though I knew that the performance felt lower than what I knew I could put out but it was better than what it was beforehand. At this point in time, the conversations I was sharing with my Father were staring to align and we were able to share what our ideologies about life and wealth creation and wealth retention. I was staring to bloom into an adult that was able to voice who I was and my ideas without limitations. I was becoming.

The third year I was in University was a time when I had gotten around to qualify to take all remaining second year modules. I was feeling strong and confident of the year ahead of me. For what felt like something that manifested from nowhere, I recived back to back calls from my Father with the hopes that I wasn’t busy so he would tell me something important and given that it was a time where I was of one mind, school, I was naturally annoyed at having some great secret being kept from me.

A few weeks down the line I recived another call from this Man. Remembering that I had owed him a conversation and what felt like something I didn’t have a choice in, he went on to break it to me that he was from a major operation where they removed his lung because he had lung Cancer. Lung Cancer!? Only now you tell me?! Instantly my mind crashes and I just don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what this means for him. I don’t know what I can do help the situation. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know what this means for me. I had been currently watching Breaking Bad and the character, Walter White had also been diagnosed with lung cancer and had also gotten surgery to remove a lung. I draw questions from the show and ask about the progression of his illness and the measures that were taken.

The most confusing feeling of hearing a hopeful voice that is in pain and fear all at the same time. It sounded like my Father had a fear of breaking this news to me. How can this Man whom I look up to be afraid of informing little old me of such information? Torn was one of the feelings I felt. All this is is happening March/April of the year. To say the least, it wasn’t a good year.

I just want to run away!

This is a very dangerous state of mind to be in because trying to run away from your own mind is like fighting the wind, it is pointless and you will burn out before you put a dent on your opponent. I wasn’t aware of this and abandoned my quest for education and rather went on an adventure to run away from my own mind in any way possible. I tried it all except for taking to someone who would have a better viewpoint and understanding of what I was going through but I was too proud to seek help because, “I solve my own problems”. 0/10 would not recommend running away from your own mind and problems. It is a masive waste of time and energy. Just find someone to talk to and to cry to just to deload and take things from there in trying to accept your new situation in life.

I used drugs to cope. F.Y.I, there wasn’t any coping. Infact it only felt like the pain I was running from was compounding and comming closer to me. A negative feedback loop had began.

I felt like shit, did drugs, felt better until I remembered why I was doing the drugs in the first place, the did more. Was pumping out shit performance in school, did drugs to numb that until I remembered why I was doing the drugs in the first place, felt like shit then did them even more. Negative feedback loop on steroids. A person allows a vast number of things to turn bad when they are deep in this terrible loop.

Thoughts of suicide were never far off! Just the idea of switching off the pain by ending it all.

My fucking brain is trying to kill me!

And mind you, things haven’t even started to turn bad.

Sheasha geza was the first song that came to mind at that point in time. find it on you tube if it has not been taken down yet. but anywho the words that resonate with me at the moment are not even close to the words that are expressed in that song.

A new conflicting fealing has arose in me. The simple idea that I am not the only person who might and is going through exactly and at times even worse that what I might be going through at the moment.

fuck the usual literal structure of how things need to be writen and presented to the world because that happens to be the boarded gate of where all things tend to come to an endlike the very introduction to this one show called “Euphoria” where it seems to show the glorifed use of drugs but to clearly show how some of how all of these celebrated drugs are used as a method of coping with yourself and the people around you.

so I have been off my specific meds that I have been (supposed to have been) using but I have never enjoyed taking from my youth days. maybe one needs to rubb shoulders with death a few times befoer one gets itbut you end up not giving a bleep about what happens next.

Just Hold On About The Music and The Earphones!!.

coming from a 2 day drinking bender just before a 3 day full lunar effect of not being able to get a wink of sleep in the process I have been starting to hallucinate or rather envision myself hearing things I should not be hearing from songs that I feel like I am well versed with but there are nuances within some of these songs that one happens to resonate with. It is very creepy at first then somehow my body starts to resonate with to the point that it may as well be the only song I listen to until I feel like fully committing to rubbing my shoulders with death it’s self, BUT.

the full idea and thought of, can be full filling until I have my earphones on and I try to assimilate with the pain of what that artist might be going through. it has alway inrested me in how an artist may be able to fill up a whole stage *stolen*(Casper Nyovest) but still drop such harmful hints ti the poeple who may have been by the side of thst artist but had missed the minor imprints left by this one person in pain who is able to make a whole movemnt of people move in rythimic succesion to thier jams **EXAMPLES WERE MADE. NOT AN ATTACT TO ANYBODY!!** AT ALL!!

JUST ONE RANDOM HOLISTIC VIEW OF WORDS IF HOW INFLUENTIAL THEY CAN BE.

MORE RANDOM THOUGHTS LATTER

As per usual, I find myself back into the toxic cycle of feeling like crap and self loathing. The idea of going yet down into this “rabbit hole” feels so familiar that I so happen to feel like it is the only solution I have. Funny part about it is that I do not want to go down that route anymore because it has only managed to bring me more pain in the long run rather than help me heal. Also a quality of mine has been one of having difficulties in seeking for help with my problems and also not being able to openly share some of these problems with the people I find close to me, under the disguise that I would be causing too much of a hassle and worry around myself. also knowing how people react by later asking about your problems in passing to figure out if you are dealing with them happens to further remind me that I am not the only person going through painful events and that does make me feel like whomever was lending me their ears was just waiting for their chance to belch out their own problems to someone who would listen.

Thinking back to most of the conversations I have had over the years I can honestly say that there has been one person whom I feel I was able to openly share with and not have them impatiently waiting to say some generic motivational speech but to try look at it with a rather logical approach and if that didn’t work, would go straight ahead to telling me off. Which is something that is frowned upon by people who are expecting the world to kiss their boo boos and reassure then that, that is in fact the end off the world. OK saying just one person has been like that is a lie because now I recall at-least 5 other people but I don’t speak to them as often as I should if I was really trying to get over all that I am feeling with the help of the people close to me.

I have tried to look into the all guiding truth of life, Religion. I found that it has not been much help for me because I know that I lack the conviction of full fledged faith believers and I try to put some logic into things I try to learn and I find a lacking in the logic department when it comes to faith and that is just it. By it’s very definition, faith requires me to let go of any empirical knowledge and just take it as it is. clearly simply letting go has proven to not be one of my strong suits for if it was, then this whole post would not exist would it? Such an ability to me seems to be such a fundamental advantage that people have and at this point not one I would get to reach anytime soon.

I do not know much in this land of existence unknown. Simple questions like why am I here? Do I have a greater purpose on this land? Or do I want to have a greater purpose so that I too will be able to post images of networking platforms so that my peers and any other stranger that happens to brisk past my posts can indulge my need for social verification aka LIKES? Some of these questions, I have the answers too but like every broken person, I am yet to face the answers. One thing that I am absolutely sure off is that I want to write-off all of my past pain or better of deal with the to completion similarly like a bad debt. For no good business would be able to continue running if it solely lived on all bad debt collected.

Exactly like most of the people on this earth, the moment we feel like we have a ton of thoughts in our minds and a limited amount of people we can talk to, about these ideas, we turn to the trusted internet. I am no different. This is just my attempt to try to reconnect and reconcile with my mind for the improvement of myself and my future interactions with my mind. Having spent numerous hours watching anime I can confidently conclude that, even though we have thoughts and opinions about subjects and we feel that they are absolute in their correctness they usually aren’t and if they are they are largely subjective to our own past experiences and memories. Rest assured that my opinions are nothing but correct and if you feel otherwise, well, correct me because I do not want to be left behind if there is a teachable moment that I was too “right” to see. I also have this grandiose idea that someone will stumble onto this and will share it with the world at the same time this is something private I should be writing for myself.

Disclaimer. I was told at a young age that my writing and concept visualization was rather interesting just that my brain seemed to move about 5 words faster than what the rest of my body as able to put out (fingers and mouth) also how I seemed to have more than one concept going on in my head and that would lead to sure confusion within the readers head. As stated before, misfiring circuitry. But I will try stay true to that, an unfiltered look into the workings of my brain. After all the criticism has died down I would like you to think of this as the greatest hits of my brain, a sample package or those vivid moments of life where the begging or the end of the memory is not important but it sure did leave a noticeable mark or something like that.

This will be confusing, rough to read and possibly even more tough to write but I should try to solder on as this is my attempt at healing. I hope I don’t choose the route with less emotional payback. *Sigh*

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton